The headline is deliberately misleading in so far as there was a staged riot, dancers dressed as riot police and one performer who looked like he had just arrived from a riot in a hair-gel factory. Yes folks, it can only mean the BRIT Awards 2011 and last night's cavalcade of egos, haircuts and battle-dress was not really much different than the previous ceremonies.
So who won an award then? More importantly where, or more to the point, when can you see those winners in all their live glory? It just so happens that most of them are performing live pretty damn soon, although the chance of getting in to some of the gigs is about as likely as Nick Clegg appearing in Skins dressed as a badger (nice idea, though).
Tinie Tempah turned up in a suit made of dressing-gowns and liquorice and sported a pair of glasses that made him look like 'cousin Benson' from Fonejacker. He notched up Best Single (for 'Pass Out') and Breakthrough Act, but his tour-dates from Saturday onwards are sold out, except a few for Glasgow next Tuesday. He also plays the Royal Albert Hall in March, the Evolution Weekender (Newcastle) in May and the sold-out Isle of Wight Festival in June.
Arcade Fire walked off with Best International Group and International Album and rightly so. They barnstormed their noisy way through "Ready To Start", probably causing near-panic amongst some of the onlookers by producing something called a 'song' AND a 'guitar' or two. Tickets are still up for Hyde Park on 30th June and their later Manchester and Edinburgh shows - gotta be worth it!
Mumford and Sons came across as an earnest hard-working bunch - they won Album of the Year and are all set to support Arcade Fire in Hyde Park in the summer (you get the impression it'll be quite a gig). Chum Laura Marling became Best British Female and became rather phased by the whole she-bang, bless. Her only scheduled date is at the Wiltshire Honeyfest 2011 in April - which is sold out.
Rihanna and Cee-Lo Green each won International Solo awards - the former still has dates for her Loud tour in the autumn, namely in Manchester, Birmingham, Glasgow, London and Newcastle (the rest have sold out) and the latter (who smiled all night) plays Wembley next Friday with Foo Fighters (still available) as well as his own tour from 26th March (all available except Shepherd's Bush - £23.50).
Jessie J's short career is as head-scratching as Plan B's, certainly awards-wise last night. Jessie earned the Critic's Choice and has already sold out four of her spring tour dates. You can still pick up Glasgow, Dublin and Belfast tickets - but they'll probably all be gone by the time the day is out.
Plan B was a surprise winner of Best Male but as James Blake wasn't in the running, I guess it was a correct decision. His entire upcoming tour is sold out, although Dublin on 27th/28th Feb may have a few left. He is also at Evolution (with Tinie Tempah), Isle of Wight Festival and Wireless (tickets are £49.50 for the latter).
Take That romped onstage with dancers dressed as riot-police, yet the irony of them looking like middle-class fops was probably lost on the audience - they were too busy screaming like hyenas foraging in wasps' nests. They're Best British Group apparently and to cap it all, butter-head Justin Bieber earned International Breakthrough Act and got groped by host James Corden. It was almost as revolting as watching someone throw up in their own shoes and then wearing them to the shops afterwards. The young upstart has tickets available for his March shows in Manchester, Sheffield, London (14th only) and Nottingham (£29.50 to £35).
Apart from a twitchy comment about Rihanna involving scatter-cushions and knocking one out, Corden and the whole thing slickly rolled past in 2 long hours, rather like a train hitting a herd of cattle repeatedly before continuing its journey with blood in its tracks - it got there in the end.