Who Wants to Give their Lamp a Good Rub this Christmas? - It's Naughty Panto Season 2009!

Posted: 15th November 2009

Being a broad-minded site and all that, we like to give you both sides of the proverbial entertainment coin. So whilst some of you want to see good clean panto-fun with your kids in tow, there are others who want to stretch the traditional boundaries a little bit with a rather more suggestive Christmas production this year. In short, you want Santa to empty his chuckle sack all over your expectant face don't you? Of course you do..... we have a few suggestions of our own, so buff up your genie-lamp, give your nuts a good roasting and give something warm and wet for Santa to swallow, after you've had a good old click on these of course.

The promotional pictures for the Hen & Chickens presentation of 'The Night Before Christmas' suggest that Santa has found a new way down the chimney (cough), but the story is a little more complex than that - Gary has a warehouse and it's the night before Christmas but he hears noises in the night. Elves? Burglars? Mice? Or a chance to re-discover the spirit of the Festive season? Aided by 'personal assistant' Cherry, he is about to find out. It's satire, it's suggestive and it's not for kids! Tickets cost £12 - for over 18's only. The run starts on December 1st and ends on the 19th.

If risqué panto floats your boat, then how about one that is floated on a boat - literally? The Battersea Barge will present their 9th Annual Pantomime on the 6th Dec to 8th Dec. 'Peter Pandemonium' is exactly what it sounds like - mayhem and cheekiness disguised as an innocent panto.... except that it isn't. Enjoy the exquisite atmosphere and surrounding of this intimate venue just off the South Bank of the Thames. Tickets cost £12. This performance is strictly within Dusty Limits (the producers).

Just up the road (or river) from the Battersea Barge is the lovely Royal Vauxhall Tavern. On the 10th 11th 12th and 19th December you can witness more saucy goings-on a la their very special and smutty panto presentation, 'Vixens in the Wood'. Unless you only read the People's Friend, you will surely get the gist of the plot from the title. It has a local theme - a group of ladies get lost in Vauxhall's Pleasure Gardens and get 'seduced' by the 'vixens' in the wood. You won't need a map to suss out the plot, just a ticket. From the venue that brings you club nights like S.L.A.G.S. and Duckie, you know it won't be scones and the Daily Mail - excellent! £10 gets you a seat.

Finally, from December 4th until the 30th (with the usual Crimbo break in there somewhere), the Leicester Square Theatre has a right old smutty shindig on the go. Yep, it's 'Sinderella - The Twisted Tale'. It's as you might imagine - a mucky take on the popular family favourite with slightly ruder words and even ruder scenarios involved. For £15 you can actually witness 'Cinderella' played by Bette Rinse. Marvellous.

Want salvation and crackers this Christmas? Go to church. Want bawdy humour and bare knackers this Christmas? Go to these. [Well, what's it to be, then? - Ed ;-]]

Paul Pledger